When Will I Learn My Lesson?

You’d think that if I made the same mistake enough that I’d stop making that mistake, right? Well, it seems that I still don’t know when to just say, “Hm, maybe I shouldn’t do this?”

I Really Should Have Known

I wrote this article just a few weeks ago. I talked about how terrible my experience was in getting my hair cut short.

Guess what I did this week?

Now, I didn’t get my hair cut as short as I did when I cut it after my last breakup. But, it is shorter than I had expected.

It’s not the fault of the hair stylist at all. I know what I asked for and I got it. Why did I think that I wanted this?

Did I Think It Through?

I think one of my problems is that I don’t really think about what I want in a haircut because I don’t ever really know what I want. I go in with a basic idea in mind. It often seems, that once I’m in the chair, I make a final (quick) decision and just go with it.

What I really need to start doing is actually putting thought into what I want and what I ask for.

Now, is the haircut even really that bad? I’ve heard nothing but good things about it. Everyone I’ve shown it to or has seen me says that it looks great. And, maybe it does. Maybe I’m over reacting.

I Care About How I Look

Now, I’m not saying that I’m conceited. But, I put a lot of stock into how I look. I don’t do it because of how other people perceive me. I don’t want to look good for anyone other than me. When I look in the mirror, I want to like what I see. When I don’t, I get anxiety about it.

I look in the mirror multiple times, hoping to see something different, hoping that my perspective will change.

Before I got my haircut, I was already unhappy with my body. Well, maybe not my whole body, but certain parts. I really shouldn’t be complaining. After I had my baby, all the weight just dropped off of me. I know that I’m lucky to be able to say that. I know that. I’m very grateful for that.

While my body has basically gone back to normal, I seem to have noticed a little difference in where my weight is going. The part of my stomach just under my belly button seems to be holding a lot of my weight. I always had a big stomach, but now I have this pooch that I’m very self-conscious and unhappy about.

I’ll stare in the mirror at it and just become supremely unhappy that I look that way.

And I was feeling all of this before I got a haircut that ultimately made me feel worse about the way I looked.

But there is a difference in my unhappiness with my body and my unhappiness with my hair. With my body, I just don’t like how it looks. I want to change it, I want it to look a different way. With my hair, I look in the mirror and don’t recognize myself. I don’t look like me. I hate feeling that way. It makes me feel disconnected.

Pregnancy Was A Welcome Vacation

I’ve always been concerned with my weight. I’ve always hated how my body looked and wanted to change it. But during pregnancy? All of those thought went away.

I no longer thought about how fat I was. I wasn’t consuming my mind with thoughts of losing weight. My perspective changed in those 9 months. I didn’t have that stress anymore.

Do you know how freeing that felt?

That’s not to say that I just binged ate and didn’t work out. I ate pretty healthy during my pregnancy. I was conscious of what I put into my body and how much. I worked out when I could, doing what I could handle. It was all for my baby. I was growing him inside of me and it didn’t matter how I looked. It was all for him.

I Might Have A Problem

I have a fiancé that loves that way I look. He loves my curves. He loves me without makeup on. As sad as this might be to say, I’ve never experienced that before. He truly loves the way I look.

I share my concerns about my body with him and I’ve shared how I feel about my hair. The other day, he said to me: “You’re too hard on yourself.”

And I realized, I am. Even when he assures me that I look beautiful, even when others told me they loved my haircut, sure, it felt great. But it didn’t change the way I felt. I still look in the mirror and hate what I see.

Why am I like this?

I don’t understand my huge concern to look a certain way. It’s frustrating and stressful. I wish I could change it. I don’t know why I feel this way and I don’t know how to change it.

I guess it’s something I need to work on and hopefully I can figure out how to do it.

In the meantime, everyone please do me a favor. If I ever mention anything about cutting my hair short, please talk me out of it. I love having my hair long and for some reason I lose sight of that sometimes. Remind me!

Please share with me: do you have any self-esteem issues that you struggle with? How do you manage it?


**Note: I wrote this post last week. Since then, I’ve tried a few different ways of styling my new ‘do. I found one that I LOVE and am now pretty pleased with my new look! 

Sure, I could have easily scrapped this kind of depressing post but this was how I was feeling at the time. It’s indicative of a frustration on my appearance that’s been going on lately and I felt it was important to share that. I know I’m not the only one that goes through this.

 

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