Harder Than I Thought

I know I haven’t posted in a while. And I really thought that I’d need to vent in some way. But lately, things have been very… strange. The way he’s acted towards me has reminded my of when we were together. And I wondered if maybe he still wanted to be. That didn’t change my leaving. I knew that even if things were okay for a little while, he might change his mind again and decide he didn’t want to be with me.

I never said anything. Honestly, acting this way, friendly and affectionate, was much easier than being ignored and feeling like a burden. It was easier to bear.

I was excited to move into my new place. I thought that I’d feel empowered and independent (which I do). But that doesn’t drown out the sadness.

Last night was my first night in my new place. And throughout the day, moving my belongings, I felt okay. I didn’t feel too devastated. Sure, I was sad, but the excitement drowned that out.

Then night came. As I was lying in bed, realizing what had come to this, I cried. Sobbed, even. I became so terribly sad. I hadn’t expected it to be so hard. Even tonight, it’s still hard.

I honestly just don’t know where to go from here. I have no idea what I’m doing. I’ve never felt so lonely. I can’t understand how we got here. I can’t fathom what will come next. And that scares me.

I realize it will be hard. Maybe it won’t ever stop being hard. I just hope that one day I can simply moved past it.

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