Admittedly, I have been questioning my relationship since the beginning of this year. I had some reservations about a couple of things.
1. He’s 26 years old. His parents play a larger role in his life than is healthy (in my opinion). His mother processes his student loan payments for him. Up until a year ago, she also had access to his credit card and was making those payments as well. He doesn’t do anything without consulting his parents first. Now, mind you, I think it’s important to have a good relationship with your parents, however I do not think that you should be that emotionally dependent on them at this stage in life.
In addition, his parents (who live 3 hours south and have a vacation home 1 hour north) decided to buy a home in our town to move into within the next few years, live for 10 years, and then retire to their vacation home. They literally are following their son. I don’t know about you, but that seems kind of strange to me. Anyway, his mom was talking to me and saying how she wanted to make the garage into a little apartment for us, etc, etc. I grinned and went along with it. But inside I was thinking – if I’m nearing 30 and living in a garage apartment of my boyfriend’s parents’ house, I’m jumping off a roof. And she was completely serious in this. Something’s not right with that.
2. My boyfriends’ brother is probably the laziest human being I have ever met. Now, this wouldn’t really bother me except for the fact that he was moving in with us. Was I consulted about it? No. But in all honesty, we were living in his parents house so I really had no say. But I definitely had some reservations. Two years ago, when my boyfriend and I had separate apartments, his brother moved in with him for the summer. For the entire summer, he sat on my boyfriends couch and mooched off of him. It didn’t affect me so it didn’t bother me. But this summer, he was going to be living with us. I was definitely concerned. I didn’t want that to happen again. Plus, whenever his brother did come to visit, I was pushed to the side like the redheaded stepchild by my boyfriend. I didn’t want a whole summer of that. I told my boyfriend my concerns. He advised me that his brother would get a job and help out around the house. And apparently I was the one alienating myself when he was around (because nothing was ever my boyfriends’ fault). So, May comes along and his brother moves in. He’s a slob. And my boyfriend becomes much sloppier than before. I clean up after them because I can’t stand trash everywhere. And, here’s the real kicker, his brother didn’t get a job until TWO MONTHS LATER. Yeah, I wasn’t too thrilled about that one. And while I tried to get my boyfriend to do things just the two of us, he pushed it aside. His brother was with us all the time. We were rarely ever alone. Whether my boyfriend will ever admit this or not, I know that part of the reason we drifted apart was because of his brother.
What’s sort of funny (but kind of not) is that I see him acting towards his brother in the same manner he used to act towards me. That joking, teasing kind of way. In the way he would ask me questions or whatever. Right in front of my eyes, I saw my boyfriend replace me with his brother.
3. My boyfriend is the type of person that needs attention. Which is fine. We both enjoy each others company and love being around each other. Before his brother moved in and when I went to work on weekends (he was off), he would beg me to stay home. He was joking of course, but it was obvious he wanted me around. And when I came home, he immediately said hello and greeted me at the door. Enter his brother moving in, and all of that stops. My boyfriend had someone to pay attention to him and it was like he didn’t need me anymore. I can’t say that didn’t hurt. And when I tried to talk to him, he just didn’t see it.
So, for a while, I’ve realized this behavior isn’t okay with me. I’m at the age where I want to start making my own family. In my opinion, there comes a time in your life where you break away from your family a little bit and make your own. Mind you, they are still your family and I’m not saying they aren’t, but you start to become more independent. Despite my having pushed aside these thoughts, I knew my boyfriend would never detach himself enough to fully commit to a family with me. And I ignored it because I loved him. When I had doubts about staying in a relationship with him because of his family, I reminded myself that the reasons I loved him had to do with who he was as a person. I saw who he was when they weren’t in his head. And no matter what I could have done, I could never have that person forever. His family is never going to let him go. And I have to deal with that.
I just keep thinking about what will happen when his brother goes back to school. Greg will be all alone. He will go back to feeling lonely with no one around. Will he call me? Will he realize he made a mistake? I can’t say for sure. Part of me hopes he realizes it because I want him to understand that he needs me more than he thinks.
And if he does, I know exactly what I’m going to say. It’s too late. Even though I am hurting, I know in the long run that this is the best choice for me. I deserve to be someones #1. I deserve more than what he gave me. He never fully appreciated me and I never fully made him. I brushed off the things that bothered me to keep the peace. It’s going to hurt like Hell getting through this but I can see the other side and realize that something better is certain to come along. I really should thank him for letting me go. I don’t know if I could have had the strength to do it on my own before. But I do now.